Unemployed Poster Girl

I quit my job on Election day. I have been trying to get in with this company (you can ask me if you are curious) for two months now and just had my first full day on Tuesday. Its disappointing to find a job and realize everything that they are isn't worth it to you. Its posts like this that make me feel ungrateful because I'm looking for something different in my life. They are looking for mandatory 50-ish hours a week of lifting heavy things and going so fast that if you were to go faster you might as well be running. When someone in my training class had asked "How do you do this job and balance family life?" the answer was vaguely something like how their employee's have a high divorce rate but it pays great. "But it pays great" is something I've heard over and over again as a valid reason to give up your life. I understand taking this job if you are willing to never be home and make a decent amount of money. I just don't care about money that much. I understand how unbelievably lucky I am to have the life that I do. I don't have kids or any other huge financial restraints so maybe I don't have room to talk. I also understand this sacrifice being an honorable thing to do if you have kids to provide for and no other means. But I also don't understand the mentality of having kids that you can't afford, I mean you really don't have to have more kids I promise ;). I'm not particularly even mad at the company, I just think the mentality is what is frustrating me. That working your life away is the best way to live. To have enough money but never enough time to actually enjoy it. That most of our time is spent working and that now 40 hours a week isn't enough. I mean is it really worth it?

I realize that in the not so distant past I wouldn't have even been allowed to work outside the home let alone choose to not have kids(even for all the flack I get for it). I'm lucky to have a husband that loves what he does and gets paid enough for it. I'm in a weird place as a woman in this age. I am a 28 year old, married without children, high school only education, mostly relying on husbands income, commercial bus driving qualified woman. I don't want kids and am severely dismayed by the idea of going back to college. I know too many people that can't do anything with their degrees, yet I feel a great deal anxiety over being perceived as uneducated. I hate relying on my husband financially, yet I would be totally willing to do the same for him and have in the past. I feel wholly undeserving of the life I have. I find that there is so much value placed on what you do for a living. I look at my life and even at 28 I still have no idea what I would want to do (when I grow up). As long as I can remember all I've ever wanted to do was be married. I wanted to have someone to love that loves me back and sticks around. I had no idea what I would want as a career or even wanting a career. As an adult I am lost with my place in the world because I don't fit into a compact box.

All of this reflection has brought me down to what I really want. I want to drive a bus again preferably full time for a university here in Maryland. I want to feel fulfilled in the work I do and have time for the hobbies that bring me joy. I want to be a big financial contributor to our house while doing something I love. I have been mostly unemployed sense we moved here and the process of looking for a job is almost as disheartening as having the wrong one. I haven't been unemployed for a long period of time in 7 years. Now I completely understand why it sucks so much. It really weighs on how we feel about ourselves. It brings up all the demonds you would rather not hav. You live in the height of boredom without anywhere to go. It makes you feel guilt over spending any money because you aren't contributing. It is truly a soul crushing experience. Anyone that has experienced this understands the point I am at. Hopefully I won't be unemployed much longer. (cross your fingers)

I don't know how to end all this. What I can say right now is that unemployment sucks, writing is fun and helps me reflect on my life and where I am going. I hope to look back on this and remember that it sucked when I am doing something I love again. Goodnight all :)
-Shea